Crazy, no? It's starting to grow back now, though. The rest of my hair is about an inch or so long now, too. I've been anxiously awaiting the date for my next PET scan. Yesterday, when Matt and I got home from a night out with our friends, Brad and Jill, there it was. In the mail. My fate sealed in a little envelope. The date?? April 15th. Tax day. Oh, the irony.
Now it's time for some truth. I'm only saying "truth" because what follows isn't my usual optimistic self. "How do you feel now?" is a question I'm asked quite frequently. Physically, I'm getting there. I'm giving myself 6 months to recoup. Mentally, however, is a different story. I was told...well, ordered really...in December to live my life. I've been trying really hard to do that. But...the thought of the cancer coming back is always in the back of my mind. Sometimes in the front, too. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. I got some relief at the beginning of February when my radiation oncologist released me from his care. I'm hoping to get even more after my PET scan. Just to know it's officially gone. Still.
When I was done in December, I didn't have a PET scan to show that the cancer was totally gone. I was diagnosed cancer-free just after my oncologist examined me and after a blood test. But I don't trust my blood tests. They deceived me before when they never showed signs of cancer prior to my diagnosis. So until I have another scan, it's always there. Haunting me. Every time I'm not hungry or wake up sweating in the middle of the night or have a slight fever, I think "Is this it? Is it starting to happen again?" You can say what you want...call me paranoid, tell me not to worry. But it's there. And it's real to me. I'm around cancer everyday. I hear of it or see it on t.v. or get emails about it or hear from my friends that are still going through it. Friends who had it and now it's come back.
Phew. Well that's done, out in the open and I feel better. This is like having my own private (free) therapist. And I need to thank my brother, Bryan, in advance. My scan is the day after his birthday. If you've read about my scans here before, you'll know that means no caffeine or sugar 24 hours prior to the exam, so NO BIRTHDAY CAKE. He told me he'd postpone the cake part of his birthday until the next day after my scan. Sweet, huh? Of course, he also told me it would cost me more presents. A year supply of these okay?
Thanks for reading. Hope I didn't depress anyone. :)
6 comments:
Awww, you didn't depress anyone...if anything you just proved you are a normal human being with normal fears and feelings. How sweet of Bryan to offer to postpone his cake celebration...but not sweet to put a clause on it...ha! I'll be keeping you in my prayers for April 15th sweet girl! I have no doubts about the fact that when you kicked cancer's ass, it was destroyed...never to return! xoxo
That was indeed very nice of him!
I know it's hard to "just live your life" but in tmie you will find that you can. It has taken my husband two years to finally just live each day as it comes.
(((((Hugs))))) >:<
Kim,I'm just catching up on your blog and see that April 15th is the BIG day. You are in my daily prayers, and will continue to be each and every day. I have faith that your test results will be C. free. I love you!!
Sheryl Martin
I'm so sorry that you still have to go through this. I will pray for you and that the test will come back ok.
I know waiting sucks. Keep on writing on here and living your life (this means do not stress out about this because there is nothing you can do about it and stress helps no one, especially you) and before you know it will be here. And you'll deal with it. When you're feeling down, get on here and let it all out. It does help, doesn't it? Who needs a therapist!?
I would recommend you pray, too. Make time for a real conversation and make sure to ask each of your guardian angels to watch over you, protect you and keep you healthy. I would do this before and after my surgery, and if nothing else, it has a calming affect on me.
I'm thinking about you! xoxo
Those work for me!!
Kim,
I haven't checked your blog in a while and I have to admit, I had my fingers crossed when I opened it wanting to know that you were still allright and the cancer had not returned. I don't know you, but know someone who knows you, etc. and they told me about your blog when my daughter was diagnosed around the same time as you with Hodgkins. You were always a just one step ahead of her in her treatment. Unfortuntely she is still in the middle of her battle, and waiting for a stem cell transplant. We had are in Houston now. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I am not the one who has or had cancer. But I can say, I can relate to your fear. I sometimes let myself "go there" and fear for my daughter also. Each step of the process I hope and pray the cancer stays away so she can move to the next step. But I want to say to you, although it may not be easy to do, but you don't want to waste a second of your life thinking and worrying about something that may never happen. I always tell my daughter, none of us are promised tomorrow, not even the next minute on this earth. Yes, there is a chance the cancer will return, but there is an equal or greater chance that you are cured and will live a normal healthy life for many many years. LOTS of people have done it. Just keep the faith and keep writing on your blog, you never know how much you may help someone else going through the same thing and eventually you will get past the fear and worrying. God bless you!
My daughter shared this with me, and it is remarkable the peace that I see in her:
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Prayer: Dear Lord God, thank YOU that Your Word so clearly assures us that we need not worry or fear. You are always in control. Amen.
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